"Have patience with everything that remains unresolved in your heart. Try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
-Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to A Young Poet
I'm a firm believer in the fact that everyone has a force field of energy that they carry around within themselves. The energy of their lives, their souls; it tells of who they are and where they've been and can always be felt no matter how hard you try to hide or ignore it. This energy is in constant motion, ebbing and flowing with the subtle nuances of the everyday.
Mine has been shifting around a lot lately. It's taking me down paths that seem unfamiliar and daunting, and I don't think I've ever been more aware of such a change happening. I was in a place where I thought I knew where I was and where I was headed, but then suddenly (more like gradually, but it sure does feel sudden), everything shifted a bit. I keep finding myself with all these desires and wants and needs that make me say WHO AM I? They feel unfamiliar and unresolved, which makes them daunting.
I made a whirlwind trip to LA last week, a place I've known my whole life, but never really explored the area, leaving it in the space of unfamiliar and unresolved and daunting. But then something happens: I drive too far and there's the Archlight where Aaron and I watched The Reader after a long day of exploring the Grove, and as I'm making a u-turn and getting myself all turned around, there's the Amoeba where we bought a Lykke Li album that would later be enjoyed over pasta & Italian soda. And the decision to walk back to the car a different way so that I can explore just a little bit longer, and stumbling upon Nickelodeon Studios, which brings flashbacks of going to see a taping of the Amanda Show (because she used to be pretty awesome before she became all crazy). In the midst of it all you realize there's been a shift from unresolved to an answer, from "where am I?", to "I know this place".
There's still questions and this shifting energy is definitely unresolved, but living through the unresolved and having patience with it feels better than running from it and allows me to move from "Who am I?" to "I know this person, this is who I am". And those crazy desires and needs and wants feel a little less crazy and a little more familiar.